Letting Go of the Old Self
I used to justify inconsistency as a form of consistency. I would tell myself I was busy or tired or going through something.
I made excuses because I wanted to believe that if I loved self hard enough, I would be loved the same in return.
Inconsistency is not a personality trait, it’s a pattern.
I kept forgiving and staying in that pattern because I was too scared of what my absence would confirm within me.
I thought I was being understanding of self. Turns out I was avoiding the truth.
Caring is not forgeting to show up for yourself. It’s not disappearing until you just have to deal with emotions arising from old wounds. Caring for self doesn’t leave you guessing.
I had to ask myself why I thought I was always available for myself when I was actually treating myself as an option. And to realize this and say enough is enough… I felt guilt!
But I began to realize that I was afraid of setting a boundary with this old self. That it would confirm that my only value was within my patterns of inconsistency.
Interesting how suffering provides a strange sense of security. And that’s because it is known.
This is the lie inconsistency teaches you. It makes you feel your worth is conditional. That love has to be earned by proving how much you deny yourself.
But healing taught me that if I can’t be consistent, then I don’t experience the consistency of my growth. This is not a form of self punishment. It’s owning up to truth.
When you truly love yourself, you will choose you all the time. Not just when you feel like it, but when it matters, when it’s difficult, when it’s inconvenient.
This is letting go of the old self and being present and consistent with yourself. Yes, it takes your will and it takes discipline.
The truth… consistently step through your old patterns no matter how hard or difficult or you just don’t feel like it… and you will find freedom.
You can hang on to the old self and suffer, or you can step through and let the old self go and be free.
In Love and Light
Steve